KOMPA! MAGAZINE

[Staff Poze 2]

HOLY HUMOUR

A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation.

The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the priest. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?

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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign.... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!========
When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints.... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees..... And when you are about to forward this message.... He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?

THIS LAST ONE IS IN FRENCH....



Un prêtre et une bonne soeur traversaient le désert à dos de chameau.
Le troisième jour de leur voyage, le chameau tomba subitement raide mort.
Après s'être dépoussiérés, la soeur et le prêtre se mirent à évaluer leur situation.
Après un long moment de silence, le prêtre dit à la soeur:


• - 'He bien, ma soeur, nous sommes dans une situation assez désespérée!'
• - 'Entièrement d'accord avec vous, mon père!'
• - 'En fait, je ne crois pas que nous pourrons survivre plus d'une journée ou
• deux sous cette chaleur torride et sans moyen de locomotion...'
• - 'Je suis entièrement d'accord avec vous!'
• - 'Ma soeur, étant donné que nous ne nous en sortirons probablement pas vivants,
• me feriez-vous une faveur?'
• - 'Tout ce que vous désirez mon père!'
• - 'Je n'ai jamais vu les seins d'une femme.
• Alors ma soeur, est-ce que vous me laisseriez voir les vôtres?'
• - 'He bien, étant donné les circonstances,
• je ne crois pas que ça pourrait offenser qui que ce soit.'



La soeur découvrit sa poitrine et le prêtre contempla ses seins
pendant un moment et lui demanda s'il pouvait les toucher.
La soeur consentit et le prêtre se mit à les caresser pendant quelques minutes.


• - 'Mon père, est-ce que je pourrais à mon tour vous demander quelque chose?'
• - 'Oui ma soeur!'
• - 'Moi non plus je n'ai jamais vu le pénis d'un homme.
• Voudriez-vous me montrer le vôtre?'
• - 'Je suppose que ce serait correct...'
• - 'Oh mon père, est-ce que je peux le toucher?'
• - 'Mais bien sûr....'



Le prêtre commence alors à avoir une érection. Il dit:


• - 'Ma soeur, saviez-vous que si je l'introduis à la bonne place,
• ça peut donner la vie?'
• - 'Est-ce vrai, mon père?'
• - 'Bien sûr, ma soeur!'
• - 'Alors, mettez-le donc dans le cul du chameau
• afin que nous puissions partir d'ici au plus vite .
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